I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
