You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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