I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
