If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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