Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize