I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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