My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
