If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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