she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
