be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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