Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
