They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
