i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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