My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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