Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
