we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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