8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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