i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
