Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
