Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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