pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
