I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
sex in a hospital.. check
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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