I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize