VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
