god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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