yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
