I love black thongs
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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