My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
