my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize