Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
