Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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