did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
not ubering you a puppy
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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