Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
