I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
