bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize