I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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