it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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