are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
