Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
