I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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