I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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