I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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