Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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