The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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