After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
