Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
false alarm, still single
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
