Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
