i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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