Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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