the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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