I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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