Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I want her autograph on my taint
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
