Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
