Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
