was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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