I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
