So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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